I don’t take enough time for love. I don’t take enough time to not just say “I love you” but to feel it. To bask in it. To rest in the golden afternoon light of it. I slowed down enough today to text “I love you” to my sister in Maryland who has been sick as a dog with the flu; vomiting, stuck in bed and alone. I knew I wanted to touch base with her and wanted her to feel cared for but I began texting with a sense of going through the motions, then slowed down and felt it in my heart as I texted. I wanted the words to reflect how I felt right then in that moment for her. “Love love love you”
As I go through my typical day, I have a lot on my todo lists. As I complete one project, I have others that slide into it’s place. Not much of a sense of accomplishment but a constant factory conveyor belt. Keeping my eye on the next one, and the next one. My life becomes filled with these and my mind fills up with sediment; layer after layer of pressure and motion. I get habituated to looking down the line to make sure I know what’s coming; I glance behind with regret for those things I missed.
Thinking about this today, I found this rock: layered and heavy with making. Sediments in distinct layers. Unlike this rock, I get to choose my sediments.
I get to choose those things that drip and build over my lifetime into my head and heart. I can choose to slow and look you in the eye with my complete heart present and accounted for and give you a hug; or I can think about the next thing on my todo list while giving you an obligatory pat on the back. I get to choose what my mind is made of. I get to choose the geode of my thoughts; dense and filled with dust, clear and tinted, empty, supportive, present, or full of love. Do only one thing at a time. Slow down and give yourself space to be present with that thing. Peace and joy to you.
This past month has been one where I’ve felt a little lost, even while I felt like I knew exactly where I was going. I did all the ‘right’ things; crossing all the T’s and dotting all the I’s but I felt a little empty and inadequate at the end of every day. Too much on my plate and no brakes to say ‘no.’ I was sorry every week to miss the opportunity to say ‘Hey’ to you guys.